this is my journal, i'll do as i please

it's been 2.5 months since my foot surgery. i was slightly dismayed to receive a bill for $1600 from my doctor last month as my entire deductible is 'only' $1500 per year. but seeing as the charges for the surgery itself, anesthesia, anchor (screws), and the like was over $10k, i considered it ok. as it was, aetna was paying for the surgery.

today i got a bill from the surgical center for $4900. it is past due by 2 months.

apparently aetna is only paying a little over half the surgical costs. i don't know why. well, i know very well why. this is a for-profit health insurance company. duh. but i don't understand why these charges showed 'approved' for the last month or so on my aetna account, and now they are not.

obviously i do not have $4900. i don't really even have $1600. but as i had budgeted about $1000 for the wedding and hoped to save $100 more per month from march thru september, i figured i would just use that wedding money for my doctor bill, which i am now paying off in little installments.

this latest bill just wipes me out.

work has been quite slow this week. our warehouse/factory is shut down for 2 weeks for cost-cutting as well as a general slow down in orders and the number of bottles that need decorating. i still have stuff to do, but it's very quiet. the ambiance and morale is also quite low, which makes for a challenging work atmosphere.

at least the weather is somewhat nicer (in my opinion); folks are complaining about the overabundance of rain this month. i don't mind. it makes everything lush and green! it also seems slightly ironic that if it wasn't raining, it would be hot and humid by now, also making those self-same folks complain. poor babies, they just can't win!

wedding invitations were all mailed out and have arrived at their respective designations by now. another major task complete. my dress arrives in a month but sadly i have not managed to lose any weight. how hard can losing 10 lbs be?! seriously! it is very frustrating. oh, i've been having some am-i-sure-about-this-wedding/cold-feet incidences the last few weeks. smart me brought it up in therapy last night to somewhat satisfactory results. while i don't feel a lot better in the 3 months since i started seeing my doctor, i don't feel as consistently down as i used to. so that can be seen as progress.

so far my plan of being more active this summer is working. i'm getting out more and taking part in a lot of free and low-cost activites in nyc. i love this city for that. so many outdoor concerts, films, parades, street fairs and markets! i also bugged the icny until they let me come back as a volunteer english conversation partner. yay! i had my first meeting last thursday and will continue one evening a week through the summer and fall.

hopefully it will be a good summer.

note to self: raspberries and chocolate ice cream are not good things to eat prior to licking 100 invitation envelopes.

i love le mans circuit. it's such a brilliant race.

for the first time in a couple years i've actually been able to follow live coverage today and it's been awesome. not only that, but peugeot is having a good race! and not only that, one of my favorite f1 drivers is there, driving for peugeot, and doing really well! oh that sebastien bourdais, he makes eye-glasses on a racecar driver so damned sexy.

but i'm exhausted, and i should be going to bed. i'm too old to stay up all night and watch races like i used to during high school and university days. still i'm afraid if i fall asleep i'll somehow jinx it, and my guys will...not be in the same leading position when i wake up (i can't bring myself to actually write the l-word).

maybe i'll just watch one more hour, and then take a quick nap.

for the first time in awhile i had a thoroughly good weekend.

i got out to brooklyn for the first time in months, went to brighton beach, went to the east village, went to washington sq park, saw both my nyc friends and spent time talking and catching up. it was also a beautiful sunny weekend with perfect summer weather. my feet hurt (getting used to sandals again) not to mention my right foot is still a little too swollen to fit properly in a shoe. but it was so nice to be ambulatory again.

i do need to make more friends though. the ones i have are great, but i can't rely on them completely. i need some fresh blood in my acquaintance circle.

i'm back at work now every day and my foot is almost back to 'normal'. the joint is still a bit stiff where they screwed the bones back into place but otherwise it looks and functions pretty much as a normal foot.

work is very stressful these days, to a point where i've almost stopped caring because every day is like that. today though is almost quiet and it's such a change that i think my brain just shut down once it realised i didn't have to be running on adrenaline again all day. so i've been reading some blogs i'd yet to visit this week, emailing some friends, confirming reservations for my 3-day honeymoon this september, and posting here.

i've had four coworkers in two weeks inquire as to my state of mind. apparently it is now obvious that i'm depressed. other than realising how bad i really must appear, it surprised me to see that i couldn't even muster up the energy or false conviction to lie, smile and say i felt fine.

the title says it all! i had my last phys therapy session today, took some xrays and the bone is fully healed. i can go back to wearing normal shoes, no more clomping around in a surgical boot. still, i think i will wear it to and from work this week. i have so much standing/waiting between bus and train transfers, i'd rather have something really stable to support my foot. also since i'm still limping, i feel like at least i'll have a visible excuse for doing so. if i were wearing two normal shoes, i'd just look like someone that couldn't walk properly.

work is very stressful and i have admitted to myself that i am officially depressed.

wedding and married life plans are proceeding apace.

nicked from whatami.

You Are the Communicator

You are a collector and facilitator of knowledge. You love storytelling and teaching. You light up when you're around other people, and you especially light up in front of a crowd. You are a charismatic person who's genuinely a joy to be with. You remind others to have fun. You love life, and you're wake up grateful for every new day. This attitude makes the people around you love life as well.

i'm still here, just a bit immobilised from the surgery. it's been 6 days now and it's so very frustrating not to be able to just get up and walk when i realise i want something like oh, a glass of water, my laptop, to go to the bathroom, etc. 6 more weeks of this will be a trial. i'm not even sure how i'll manage on public transport to and from work every day but i'll worry about that when it arrives.

i had my first post-op check-up yesterday and my foot looks fine. there are lots of interesting purple and greenish bruises but overall the color is good which means it's healing up well and no blood poisoning. yay. i also have a 3" line of neat blue stitches all along the first metatarsal on my right foot. that will look interesting when it heals. there's a smaller stitched up line under the arch where my doctor went in to take some cartilage samples, but that will be pretty much invisible once it heals. if all goes well, the stitches all scheduled to be taken out next friday, in the meantime my foot is all wrapped up in compression bandages.

i was on oxycodone for about 4 days when i came to the determination i could not put up with the nausea anymore. it was constantly there and nothing i ate or didn't eat made any difference. so yesterday i decided to switch to advil and so far it's been alright. my foot still aches a bit but at least i don't fear throwing up every time i get up. that's a plus!

working from home is going ok. it feels weird to be disconnected from the office and have people ignore my emails since i'm not there in person to follow up. still, it's not too bad and at least this way my accounts aren't falling behind and i won't go back to the office in two weeks to pages and pages of unread emails and a stack of new orders and invoices on my desk.

one good thing about being home this week is i can watch the champions league games on tv live instead of following the text coverage via internet. wahoo. come on arsenal!

i am scheduled for ankle surgery tomorrow. it will not be the first time and definitely not the last on my screwy ankles, but this will be my first experience with general anesthesia and i'm a little (a lot) nervous about the whole iv thing. i don't like needles, especially not when they're stuck in my hand for hours.

i'll be laid up recuperating for a couple weeks and working from home during that time. i wonder if i'll have the opportunity/boredom level to start spying on all my neighbors a la 'rear window'. that could prove interesting.

i thought it pertinent to include a wedding update, since it's been mostly the object of my attention this week (and last). don't worry, i hope to not bore everyone to tears with constant talk of weddings and such. seriously, i dislike them just as much as i ever did, if not more so now that i'm expected to talk of nothing BUT my engagement. ugh.

the chapel and reception site are booked and down payments are made. i received my engagement ring today, it is lovely. though i really didn't want one (no, seriously, i didn't want one), i know the boy had good intentions so i'll wear it with good grace. wedding announcements were sent out on monday and we have our final guest list set. i have decided on a dress and will go to get measured and place my order tomorrow morning. unfortunately it is WAYYYY more expensive than i had planned, like twice as much as i ever thought to spend. and it does have a train. =( but at least it's not big and poufy, it is not strapless, nor is it white. so i did stick to three original tenets of my ideal. i do feel like a big hypocrite though in some ways.

that's it. life is going on alright otherwise. have had two counseling sessions now and while it's good to talk about stuff, i seem to always be in a fine mood when i'm there, so we haven't yet got around to any of the depressive and morose feelings that can take over for days at a time. also tomorrow i have my first dentist appt in 8 years. i think i have two cavities to get filled. fun times. in any case, the long weekend will be nice and i've always enjoyed easter.

is there a regulation somewhere that states that every wedding gown must have a !£@&%*$^ train?! why is it so hard to find a dress without an extra 3 yards of fabric draped behind it?!

i just want a simple, classy dress with no crinoline and no god-forsaken train. a couple black accents wouldn't hurt either. sheesh.

on a side note, i am quickly becoming disheartened to realise how much this 'small' wedding is likely to cost. =(

as of yesterday, i am officially engaged to be married.

sigh... let the chaos commence.


EDIT: upon request, more details to follow shortly.

i finally made it to the weekly knit meetup here in hoboken. and may i just take this opportunity to say what a colossal waste of time and $4 that was. =( i stayed about half an hour but it was long enough to pretty much tell that this was not a group for me. i'm really sad as i had hoped to make some friends there, or at least find some diverse, kindred artsy spirits. unfortunately i found the same stereotypes i see everyday walking around this city, only these ones knit too. it's safe to say i won't be going back. it's a shame really. maybe once spring arrives i'll venture into the city to see what some of the meetups there are like.

it is a sad fact when 'sleeping-in' refers to waking up anytime after 6a.

i've always been an early riser. no matter how late i'm up the night (or morning) before, i'll usually wake up around 7-8a. of course i'll probably take a nap if i'm tired, but i still will wake up early. so the weekends now see me waking up around 7a, which is grand. however, it makes it hell to try to get back to my weekday schedule of 5:15a. falling asleep before 10p is also no fun. it makes me feel like my grandmother.

still at least it's no longer pitch-black when i leave my apt in the morning!

just got back from happy hour with a few coworkers. it was quite fun! oddly enough, out of everyone there, only one person has been with the company more than 6 months. =) i guess us newbies are starting a new trend. i hope it continues, it's good to socialise outside of work and feel like a real team.

the job is going pretty well, last week was a bit of a wash but this week was pretty intense on the training front. supposedly i will be handling my account all on my own next week...so we'll see how it goes.

six nations rugby starts tomorrow. can't wait! my dad sent me a rugby shirt from the last world cup with 10 different teams' colors and badges sewn on. it's a bit of a mish-mash but it should go down well in a rugby bar.

p.s. it's one month from yesterday that i've been back in the states. it seems so much longer sometimes.

so i've been on a bit of an updating kick recently. i think it has to do with getting back to work, back into a routine and re-establishing myself. part of that has me trying to find time to do the things i used to before the big move, but now it's difficult with my long bus/train commute and fewer 'off' hours in the day.

i've also had a reshuffle of my lj groups and have added a couple new ones to pique some different interests or things with which i should be more concerned. it's made my flist a lot longer, but hopefully i can keep up with it all!

having acquired TONS of yarn, i need to get my ass in gear on the crocheting front. so many projects i want to do, so little time. there's also a knit/crochet group here in hoboken that i keep meaning to attend but i always get home too late. in volunteer news, oddly i have not heard back from the intl center about their english conversation partnerships. i really want to get back into doing that every week, but i can't get a straight answer on whether they are full or not. for the first time in many years, i am not volunteering anywhere! it feels so odd. i am back to cooking and baking again, at the moment there is a pan of banana bread in the oven and the aroma is wafting around the apt. i also managed to make time for some yoga last week!

work is proceding apace. i'm not learning as much as i would have hoped after 2 weeks of training, but hopefully it will get better. there's a lot to learn about this particular account and its management. it seems pretty complicated and a tad overwhelming at this point, but it probably always does at the beginning.

in other news, i think some seasonal depression has reared its ugly head. i have been feeling damned mopey about things in general the last couple weeks. at least i recognise it. now what can we do to improve things?

i got the job! i start monday!

i feel relieved, glad, surprised and a tad guilty. so many people have been out of work for months now and i found a job after a little over a week. true, i did start the process about 2 months ago and have been searching ads, praying and retooling my resume. so while i'm happy, i'm more than a little nervous too. i want to do well at my new job though i know there will be a steep learning curve.

i also stopped back at my old office today for the goodbye lunch party for a former co-worker and friend. she's leaving the country (for good, probably) so there were both goodbyes and a lot of updating everyone on what i've been up to for the past 6 months.

wish i could gather some friends to go out and celebrate, but most of my friends live elsewhere, and i'm still quite broke. so maybe i'll postpone the celebrations until i've been paid.

that is all.

so hopefully i will find out soon (i.e. today, please!) how my interview went last week. i did get some positive feedback from my agency last friday, but nothing definite. so i had the whole weekend to try and not get too excited or over-analyse every bit of the interview. it was hard. but now it's monday and everyone is back in the office...so i should hear something. i hope.

in completely unrelated news, it's been one week since i arrived back home. it's been an odd transition as it feels in some ways like i just dropped back into my life at the moment i left it, except the weather is very cold, and i'm a couple thousand dollars poorer than i was, and i have no savings anymore. =) but other than that, everything is pretty much the same. this is the first time i've parted from the boy and not had to fight back copious tears and depressive feelings and the like. i was/am sad, of course. i did tear up a little at the airport in manchester. but since i've been back i haven't cried once. not quite sure if this is a good thing, i.e. accepting the fact that we're apart and not bargaining uselessly with fate. or a bad thing, i.e. i don't much care that we're apart again since our relationship is doomed to failure anyway. i'm thinking it's probably the first option, as i was being slightly facetious about the second. i do miss him, think about him a lot, and wish i could see him more often. but in a way it's nice not to be miserable and mopey and teary-eyed most of the time. depression can be useful, but not when one is fighting jetlag and desperately seeking a job.

EDIT: i got an email from my agency this morning requesting me to send references. the company wants me to meet with their ceo/president tomorrow. it will mean another long haul out to the office and another $20 roundtrip multi-bus ticket from my meagre bank account. but if it gets me the job, it's worth it.

i said i'd write more later but the days are kind of slipping away from me. i can't believe this is my third full day back already...it surely doesn't seem like it. i've been busy unpacking my suitcases and organising my room again. i picked up my boxes from my uncle's basement yesterday. i went back to my old office yesterday to see old coworkers and chat a bit. i really do miss some of them, it was a great group of people. i spoke with the president as well, who informed me that unfortunately he doesn't have any openings at the moment (i wasn't really angling for any) but would be more than happy to serve as a reference or promote me to any of the various contacts he has in other industries. now if only i had a more specific idea of an industry/position i was looking for...

i have an interview already this morning, a good sign, surely. it's quite far from the city though, so the roundtrip bus journey will be a chance to see a lot of northeast jersey countryside. i hope it goes well, though now i have this almost paralysing sense of doom about interviews. i never do well. i always try my best but know that something is wrong, and i don't get the job. it's happened literally dozens of times since moving to nyc. so...i probably won't get this job today, but i will go and try again to be positive and confident and look upon it as practice.

once again, i find myself with a cell phone. i stopped by tmobile to try to get my old number back but it was no good. i did end up getting a prepaid plan with a new number, as i figured to be a job hunter requires one to be contactable at any time. i like the prepaid deal though, since i never managed to use half the minutes on their smallest plan. paying $45/month when you're unemployed is just one more needless expense.

it feels a bit odd to be back home. everything looks the same and people seem pretty much the same. there are a couple signs the economy is in the tank, such as more closed storefronts on the main street here in hoboken. i went to macy's on 34th st tuesday morning and there were only a few shoppers milling about. i need a new winter coat, but the enticing sales proved to be less than stellar. 50% a $400 coat still leaves the price at $200. i can't justify paying that much when my savings is dwindling so rapidly.

the jetlag is slowly getting better. i went to bed last night around 9:30p and woke up this morning about half an hour ago. so far, so good!